Well Spring has sprung and I am finally coming out of hibernation. I have been on almost a year hiatus due to a few factors.First I kind of felt like my writing was reflecting my own inner turmoil and coming across EXTREMELY negative. For that I apologize wholeheartedly. Sometimes I just feel so beat up emotionally (by others and self inflicted )I don’t always have an outlet to express myself. I am going to try not to allow myself to do that here anymore.It’s been a very long year in regards to my son and also personally. We moved to a new home in a new town in December. We are all still adjusting to that.
But life is never ever dull here. What I , as well as I’m sure a lot of other parents wouldn’t do to have a boring, normal life, even if it was only for a day or two…. wouldn’t it be lovely….
I could go back over my journal and insert clips here of the chaos of this past year but I think I might leave that where it lies, in the past year. Let’s start with a fresh just happened today event.
So As I am sitting in my living room scrolling through Facebook this afternoon my son comes upstairs and declares I’m going to fix my pocket bike and go make some money tomorrow.
To Which I say “Oh? , Do I need to be concerned? “
and he says noooo,
to which I respond is it above board? And he responds with yes.
But won’t tell me anything else. So I try the questioning approach…. are you going to such and such a place? And get the Response of yes and then maybe going to another town. Well I am not feeling this is a good idea at all. So I keep trying to get him to talk to me. He won’t, ok nothing more I can do, except pray and hope for the best. He gets ready to go and I said “if I don’t hear from you by midnight tomorrow I will assume you are either in jail or something awful has happened so you best call me or text me”. He says I will let you know when I get where I am going. And off he rides on his bicycle. So a few hours go by and he calls me. He is fuming! Apparently he was stopped by a police officer and man is he angry. He proceeds to tell me all about the stop and then he tells me he refused to tell them where he was going so now they are following him. The marked police car and several unmarked cars as well.
This ladies and gentleman is his reality. He is paranoid and delusional. Did he get pulled over by a police officer tonight? Only God knows because if you talk to my son you will know he always thinks police are following him. Weather he walks to McDonald’s or to the corner store he is always being followed.
I tried my best to talk him down but there’s only so much you can do over the phone and a few towns away.
He mentioned bring out “Bobert ” if they continued to harass him. “ Bobert “ is what I believe is my sons alter ego. If he is cornered or put in a place of fear or anger he brings out Bobert. Bobert is a mean, aggressive nasty being. Truthfully I fear Bobert.
Weather Bobert is just his defence mechanism or a split personality I don’t know. As we have no mental health diagnosis only the ARND in the FASD umbrella.
I said there is no need to bring out Bobert. He didn’t agree.
So I suggested he try to go to his aunt’s house if it was closer than his original destination and he didn’t answer me, he just said he was going to get off the phone and he would call me or text me when he got where he was going.
It’s days like today that I understand why I Have almost a full head of gray hair. I mean I know some of it is genetics but I am sure the stress I deal with is a big contributing factor,
Ok back to the story….. I decide to call my sister to let her know that my son seems to be in distress and may come there. And then I am told that was his destination!!! The whole time. She explains that her husband asked him to come help him tomorrow and that he decided to come for the night so he would be in town to get started early in the morning. REALLY!! What is so secretive about that. He is so paranoid he won’t even tell us something as trivial as he is going to his aunt’s for the night and helping her husband in the morning. Well I was relieved on one hand but also kinda angry too. But as I thought more about it I realized how awful it must be to feel like you can’t trust anyone with even minor details because you live in constant fear. I thanked my sister for letting me know and we both agreed who ever heard from him first would let the other know. Becasue at this point with him being in distress and lacking impulse conrol anything could have happened. He may have went to a buddy’s to hide out, he may have ducked into the woods to hide out, he may have tried to take on a police officer…… you want to talk about worried. I don’t think I can truly describe the worry and fear I face daily living with and caring for my son.
Thankfully it was her that heard from him first. He showed up there about 20 mins later.
And I could breath again……
At least for today. But if this was a real time blog you would see I am writing this at 1:50am. I am still on edge even though the immediate danger is over. And most of my worry is subsided knowing he is safe at my sisters, but my body will not let me completely relax. So I figured now is as good a time as any to revive my blog. As I opened with spring has sprung so it’s a new season in the world and in my blog.
Please feel free to respond to any of my writings. I sometimes feel like I am just writing a public diary as I don’t get comments often.